I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
