Porn is love you can see.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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