Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
