i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
