drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
