Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
