Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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