I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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