I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
40s are totally the cure
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
