i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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