Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
