I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
