I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
