i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Less talking, more tequila
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize