Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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