everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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