Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
