Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
