is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
