Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
