I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
