i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
