If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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