my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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