you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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