made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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