I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
