wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
