Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
