Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
