I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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