The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
