I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize