And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
