Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize