I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
