I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
