just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
