I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
