if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
