i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need water and some morals
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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