i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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