They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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