i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
