Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
