I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
