I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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