did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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