my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
