my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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