I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
