i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
