you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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