We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
