I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
