I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
