Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there's paper in my vomit.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize