i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
