for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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