lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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