God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
