the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
