12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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